Survival

I have mentioned this in my previous entry that I am in a survival mode all the time. for the last ten years or so, I have never felt safe, at home, and settled down. I went to school, got my degree, got Married, had a Baby and went from being a woman to a mother and a wife. Yet I never felt settled down in my own home, my own skin. I feel as if something is missing in my life, like I am waiting for sth big to happen and fill the hole in my life. Maybe, it is because I don't have the fire and the passion for life? I used to be such a lively girl. I would joke, play, have fun, make friends and inspire people around me. I  had so much life and energy and enthusiasm in me. I don't know how and when I lost all that. Yes I still laugh, maybe couple times a month? (in spite of constant attempts of my husband to cheer me up). Yes I have a decent life and I am working toward a much better life. But, again, passion is missing. I don't get excited by little miracles of life on a daily basis, minor distractions can cloud my outlook on life and there is nothing in the world that I want it so bad that I will do anything for it. And I find it sad. I want a lot of things and work to achieve them but I kinda give up or settle down for less half way. It is as if I don't want to step out of my comfort zone, which is somewhat small. I might be coming off as having low confidence or low self esteem, and I might. I can deny it but what I have been saying so far will indicate otherwise. Although I feel a rise in my confidence after my last birthday, but it is not enough. As a teenager, I had way more confidence and high expectations from myself. Now, I kinda settle down for what is comfortable and easy. It is just not how I wanted to live and definitely not how I had imagined myself to be.
on top of it all, my family is going through hard times and they need my help. I don't feel strong enough and convincing enough to raise to the challenge and lend a helping hand. I will do my best. I know I can't change everything overnight. but I can take small steps and work on my issues little by little, day in and day out. let's see.

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