From Afghanistan to America, crossroads of life

I have an uneasy feeling because I know I will have to make an unfavorable decision eventually. It is going to be within a year and it will be a very difficult decision but the right choice. I think in a way, it is better this way, to know ahead of time, to see it coming. At least you start processing it and you are not blindsided by it. But to be aware of it all the time until it actually happens is unsettling. To go over it and grieve about it every day is exhaustive. And I know it will be better that way than this way, however, it will be a bitter time to go through. There is no guarantee that life afterward will be much better, but I know it won't be this annoying. The distance is growing, the hurt isn't healing, no effort is being put to improve the situation. The path is known and so is the pain. I just wish the end result was just as clear. I don't know if I will like the ending, but I sure don't like the right here and right now. I am not a very patient person

This a challenging area of my life. It makes sense too given my up bringing, my emotional imbalance, being self conscious about my body and my people pleasing flaw. Where I grew up, you are supposed to be sexually desensitized, and cover and under play your sexuality as much as you can. From how you dress to what you desire, think and talk, you should be sexually suppressed. My people-pleasing quality convinced me to be the ideal daughter and socially accepted (proper) girl by completely suppressing my sexuality. After doing so for 28 years, it is hard to resuscitate the dormant and nearly death desire. Now that I am in a sexually hyperactive society, my crippled sexuality is insufficient personally and maritally. My current super stressful life situation isn't helping in awakening such desire in me either. So I am really in a pickle. What is a woman to do? I can't stand porn. I can't watch a minute of it without a feeling of disgust. What other options do I have? I looked