Better but Bitter

I have an uneasy feeling because I know I will have to make an unfavorable decision eventually. It is going to be within a year and it will be a very difficult decision but the right choice. I think in a way, it is better this way, to know ahead of time, to see it coming. At least you start processing it and you are not blindsided by it. But to be aware of it all the time until it actually happens is unsettling. To go over it and grieve about it every day is exhaustive. And I know it will be better that way than this way, however, it will be a bitter time to go through. There is no guarantee that life afterward will be much better, but I know it won't be this annoying. The distance is growing, the hurt isn't healing, no effort is being put to improve the situation. The path is known and so is the pain. I just wish the end result was just as clear. I don't know if I will like the ending, but I sure don't like the right here and right now.
I am not a very patient person which just makes it harder and harder to wait. I have made rash decisions in my past that I truly regret now. Thus, I don't want to rush to any more changes. But it is pretty clear where we are heading. It makes my heart heavy when I think about it. It all could have been so beautiful. But life isn't supposed to be beautiful, and congruent with your dreams and expectations. You just have to live it and accept it.

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