Sexuality

This a challenging area of my life. It makes sense too given my up bringing, my emotional imbalance, being self conscious about my body and my people pleasing flaw. Where I grew up, you are supposed to be sexually desensitized, and cover and under play your sexuality as much as you can. From how you dress to what you desire, think and talk, you should be sexually suppressed. My people-pleasing quality convinced me to be the ideal daughter and socially accepted (proper) girl by completely suppressing my sexuality. After doing so for 28 years, it is hard to resuscitate the dormant and nearly death desire. Now that I am in a sexually hyperactive society, my crippled sexuality is insufficient personally and maritally. My current super stressful life situation isn't helping in awakening such desire in me either. So I am really in a pickle.
What is a woman to do? I can't stand porn. I can't watch a minute of it without a feeling of disgust. What other options do I have? I looked on the web and all suggestions can be summed up in a one page article. Maybe I have wrong expectations about and from sex. I can't shake off my old habits and perceptions. I think in order to be sexually interesting and confident, I need a perfect body (which I don't have now) and I must act like a pro stripper or pole dancer or sth. Logic is against such mentality but I don't know any other way. :((((

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Once upon a time in the bakery line

The rain was coming down in a hurry. Muddy road was difficult to walk on. It was cold and windy. I was almost there. I could see the line forming outside the bakery and was relieved to see few people. That meant I will go home with bread this evening. It was midday, after my school and my lunch, I was making my way to the local bakery to stand in line for bread. I don't remember the politics of how and why. All I knew was there was food scarcity, and we needed bread. Mom had tried at another bakery in the morning before going to work and dad had been to the bakery close to his work. The day was almost gone, and we weren't sure if we will have bread for dinner tonight. So my mission was to bring home the bread. When I arrived at the bakery, only about 10 people were in the ladies line and about 15-20 in men's line. Since each line would take the turn to buy bread, that meant I would be 20th in line. I was happy, I had both of my shoes on, a broken umbrella to keep dry and ...
Read more

lost identity?

United States of America, the land of hyphenated citizens, is like a safe house for many people around the world. It is certainly true for me. I wasn't born here but I have had many of my best experiences and opportunities here. I earned college degrees, chose my career (even changed it with no social limitation), worked as I wanted, made my own life choices (some didn't work well), broke old traditions without retribution etc. I can  go out of my house without fear of being raped and killed, can leave my house without a man accompanying me and dress as I preferr. I am safe from many life threatening phenomena that women face around the world. I have lived the best moments of my life here, in this land. But I can never venture too far from my afghan roots. I spent the crucial learning years of my life in Afghanistan. Most of my values and personal preferences are based on my upbringing in Afghan culture. Those values and standards were refined by the education I earned and the ...
Read more

A Holiday to Remember

Eid. It is a joyous occasion; new clothes, henna, family gatherings, Meyla (carnivals), and three-day-long celebration. Like all other children, I always looked forward to Eid days. We had a small house with a big yard in Khoosh-haal Khan. When my cousins visited, we had so much fun playing games and tending to the herd of chickens we had. My paternal grandmother lived with us which meant, my dad's side of the family would gather at our house the first day of Eid. I and my sisters (8, 6, and 3 respectively) were disappointed when only my aunt and uncles came and none of my cousins. It was mid-afternoon and as our guests are getting ready to leave, a rocket hit our neighborhood. After hearing the noise repeatedly, you learn to distinguish between a bomb and a rocket and if the target was a house or open land, and how far from you. This one definitely hit close by, maybe four or five houses down, the house crumbled but there were minimal screams. Of course, we all ran insid...
Read more