17 days later

17 days after I filed for dissolution of marriage and I am happier than being married. Everyday I feel a new sense of freedom along with some sadness and a range of other emotions. I want to grow stronger in my heart and my mind. I don't deny myself the pain, I don't rush toward happy feelings, I don't want to disguise my hurt and minimize my loss. I want to feel it all. I look at this as a blessing to be able to feel the pain and hurt of ending the marriage. It was a relationship of 5 years with lots of emotional attachment to the man that didn't love me. At times, he made me feel good and the rest of times, I struggled to stay sane being married to him. I don't expect myself to forget it all and move on too fast. I want to process the ending of my marriage, the loss, the pain, everything. My life has taken a very different path. Its a path that I didn't think I will end up in and didn't prepare for it. I still don't know how to prepare myself and my daughter for the life ahead. But I will take one day at a time. As I am told, I need to take baby steps and celebrate small accomplishments. I never before celebrated my achievements, never appreciated myself and didn't love myself. Thus I ended up in an abusive relationship. Someone so low could trash my self confidence cause I didn't believe enough in myself. I always sugarcoated and deceived myself about a lot of things that happened to me. I need to be honest with myself from now on. I need to be true to myself. I need to confront myself as well as love and appreciate myself. I can turn my pain into power.

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