WOW

Alright, I filed for dissolution on August 23rd and PO on 24th and have my first court appearance on 9/5th. I finally took the action that I was contemplating about on and off for years now. I have been through emotional roller coaster for a month now and I don't think it is over yet. I was very scared at first and still am. I had a surge of anger for the last couple days and now confusion and worry is creeping back in. The sorrow is still present in every thought and fold of my mind. All the pleasures and securities that I wanted and deserved which didn't happen to me and all the mistreatment and invalidation that unnecessarily happened have left some ugly scars in my memories. I am trying to keep my head up and take one day at a time. It is a good philosophy. For over 5 years, I had been questioned, degraded and shot down. My self reliance is very low and negative self talk is still part of the habit that I am fighting. Before I talk about the road ahead, I wanna pour some of my thoughts about past and so far. Looking back at my blog, I knew it was coming. The day I knew my marriage is over, I cried a lot. I held up another month after that in a slightly confused state of  mind going back and forth as which road to take. I kept going back and forth between walking away and toughing it up. I didn't stay confused for long. His behavior helped me make my mind. I saw the picture very clearly. I saw how different we were at our core. We had totally different value system. Some of his qualities that made me leave him were: lying, gambling, not believing in God, not totally committed to his family, completely living for his image, still wanting a part of bachelor life, financial irresponsibility, having a secret personality hidden from the world, manipulative, emotionally abusive, unstable in his decisions and promises, disrespectful, lack of love and compassion for me, selfish, very demeaning toward me, rearranging everything in our life to serve his purpose and comfort, taking up drinking and strip clubs...
All these years, I kept giving in to his demands and ignored his lies and manipulations. I always took the blame and try to change myself and bent further and further to fit into his preferred, imaginary partner. According to him, I am fat, ugly, outdated, old, old-styled, villager, un-sexy, unstable, weak, push over, lack common sense, can't make smart decisions, not a good mother, etc. He didn't face any obstacles when he tried to get into my head in first few years of marriage and then I had hard time getting him out. He knew very well how to play me and how to influence me indirectly. He had no shame pushing me to the limit and then more. Constant criticism, constant invalidation of my feelings and disrespecting my existence were just getting too much for me. When his behavior started to threaten my daughter, I started to worry more. I started to fear my daughter's future growing up in a severely dysfunctional marriage and manipulative father. I think that gave me the strength to take the plunge. Here I am 9 days after filing and going through hell, starting to see life differently.

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