I am tired

I have been very restless lately. And that is when I reflect often and analyze or over analyze my life.  I attended the very last  nursing class on 12/13/12 and drove home crying. That was one day that I was looking forward to for the past 3 years, along with my husband. That day came but my husband wasn't there by my side. The divorce changed my life for ever. Yet another life changing turn of events.
As a kid, I survived poverty, war, persecution, immigration and countless family down falls. Then as I was reaching my goal and dream of having a college degree, I was diagnosed with depression. Breaking my arrange engagement, suicide attempt and "falling in love" with someone each changed  my life to a certain degree and to a different direction. Then marriage and having a baby brought struggle and joy. Then in an effort to make our lives better, I went back to school (nursing) and endured the changes that came along. Failing marriage worsened my depression and undermined my whole existence. Yes my whole existence. It might sound like exaggeration but it is not. That troubled marriage changed me for worse. I lost my self respect, my confidence, my coping ability and thriving potentials. I started to become numb in life. When I reached the breaking point, I got the courage to call it quits. But just because I walked away from that marriage doesn't mean my wounds are healed and my struggles end. The battle continues. Depression is a life long companion now and I have to overcome it on a daily basis. I have to round up my wandering thoughts and delete the negative scenarios in my head. I have to continue to learn how to be a better parent, how to go about the mountains of hardships that erect on my way continuously. I feel that my relationships are strained, my competency is short of optimum and my health is dragging me down all the time. I aim for a simple life and yet that seems out of reach with all the crap that I have to deal with every day. My mind is cluttered with worry and my body fails me before any challenge that I take on. I am tired.

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