From Afghanistan to America, crossroads of life

I have been very restless lately. And that is when I reflect often and analyze or over analyze my life.  I attended the very last  nursing class on 12/13/12 and drove home crying. That was one day that I was looking forward to for the past 3 years, along with my husband. That day came but my husband wasn't there by my side. The divorce changed my life for ever. Yet another life changing turn of events. As a kid, I survived poverty, war, persecution, immigration and countless family down falls. Then as I was reaching my goal and dream of having a college degree, I was diagnosed with depression. Breaking my arrange engagement, suicide attempt and "falling in love" with someone each changed  my life to a certain degree and to a different direction. Then marriage and having a baby brought struggle and joy. Then in an effort to make our lives better, I went back to school (nursing) and endured the changes that came along. Failing marriage worsened my depression and undermined...

I used to be an energetic, funny, adventurous and bold person in my teen and early 20s. I hear my own stories of boldness and courage from my family and friends which I can't remember at all. It is like my mind has suppressed them so far in my memories that I can't retrieve them. They keep asking me what happened and why I changed in the opposite direction. For a long time, I didn't have an answer for them. I think I have an idea of what caused a negative change in my approach to life; that is depression and a horrible and failed marriage. When you struggle on a daily basis to stay focused and motivated to do the basic functions of life, it drains you. When you give up yourself to fit into someone else's ideal image, you depart from your values and desires. And when all your efforts fail, and you are left with a broken heart and broken goals, your soul is scarred and your hope and energy are drained. What will keep you going? I know life isn't easy, but I probably d...

Almost done with nursing school and starting to prepare for NCLEX. Still have a lot to do personally and emotionally to get where I want to be. It is not an easy road but no easy road will lead to somewhere worthwhile. At this point in my life, my focus is myself and my daughter. I want to do something that I failed to implement early in my life, giving my 100% in whatever I do. That is the new approach.

OMG, my baby is growing up fast. She started preschool today. She was so excited, brave and willing to participate. I am so proud of her. she didn't join other kids for the afternoon nap. But other than that, she did really well. at this point, she is going part time due to tight budget, but I will send her full time as soon as I can afford it. I am looking forward to all the learning and development she will endure throughout this journey.

I already had my rebound crash after the divorce. I developed a fantasy crash on this Indian TV actor the beginning of the week and it is wearing off. lol..... i have been kinda short tempered and impatient the last couple days for unknown reasons. Hopefully, my attitude will improve next week. Aarya has been mentioning her dad more the last couple days. It doesn't upset me like before. I feel so much better about my decision everyday.

I told my daughter that she shouldn't expect her father to return and shouldn't wait for us to live together again. She immediately started crying and kept asking why. I tried to reassure her that we are still her parents and still love her a lot no matter what. It was a short and painful conversation. I am sure she will continue to think about it and ask questions about it. It seems that I won't be able to totally protect her from negative emotions. I can only offer support and sympathy.

It is said that fear is one of the primal feelings of human being. I chose to live a single mother's life in the face of all my fears. I was afraid out of my mind and soul. But I decided to divorce him in the face of fear. Now, I am angry. Angry for having been married to such a low life, for letting him get to my head the past years and even more angry for having to deal with him the rest of my life. I wish I could just cut him out of my life but can't. It makes me angry that I have to face him and have any contact with him and have to be civil to him because of my daughter. What to do with this anger? I don't want to be angry the rest of my life, or be miserable and consumed by this anger. I read in an article on www.tinybuddah.com that your life will be governed by what you are focusing on. I want to focus on positive things, on my blessings but I can't. I am just angry at him. Maybe I am more angry because his words, accusations and manipulations still have some ki...