From Afghanistan to America, crossroads of life

Memories have a habit of sneaking up on you at their disposal. Some times they coincide with your current activity and some times they just show up. Don't blame your heart for memories. It is your brain that keeps a log of your memories, your heart merely responds with emotions. For example, I was talking to my coworker about our early settlement struggles and all of a sudden a memory popped in my head and made its way to my conversation. It was a memory that hadn't visited me ever before and I wasn't expecting my own reaction to be so dramatic. My eyes swell up, my throat tightened, my heart overflowed with emotions and I burst into tears, unable to control myself. The memory was of the day we (myself and my 3 sisters, my mother and my grandmother and my little brother) had to say goodbye to our father and our last known residence and embark on our journey to US. My mom was ironing some clothing, our bags were packed and lined up by the stairs, soft music was playing, it...

I love my extra curves, my wrinkles, my age spots, my flawed body, my scars, my puffy tired eyes, my laugh lines, my wrinkled hands, my tired feet, my stretch marks, my white hair strands, and all. They are prove that I have been through the mill of life, that I have had struggles, failures n triumphs. They are signs of my hard work, staying up late, running around, laughs n cries, my worries n my joys. I had been stressed cause I care, I have loved ones to care about. They are the indication that I wasn't born privileged and I worked hard n earned my way in life. Put my appearance next to my experiences, my accomplishments and my pains n that's when u get a true picture of me. U will see then how beautiful I am. If you want to minimize me to my physical appearance, that's not my problem. If I was concerned about that, I wouldn't have gotten where I m in life. You can be obsessed with your mirror image or you can live your life with purpose.

United States of America, the land of hyphenated citizens, is like a safe house for many people around the world. It is certainly true for me. I wasn't born here but I have had many of my best experiences and opportunities here. I earned college degrees, chose my career (even changed it with no social limitation), worked as I wanted, made my own life choices (some didn't work well), broke old traditions without retribution etc. I can  go out of my house without fear of being raped and killed, can leave my house without a man accompanying me and dress as I preferr. I am safe from many life threatening phenomena that women face around the world. I have lived the best moments of my life here, in this land. But I can never venture too far from my afghan roots. I spent the crucial learning years of my life in Afghanistan. Most of my values and personal preferences are based on my upbringing in Afghan culture. Those values and standards were refined by the education I earned and the ...

Life in Afghanistan was simple in all ways. Relationships, needs, work, house chores, celebrations, endings and beginnings even sufferings and pains were all simple. I miss simple life. As a child, you could play outside your house with friends and neighbors's kids, go to school, and help around the house. You didn't have many unnecessary facilities like smartphones, facebook and instagram to distract and confuse you. You would go to school in uniform and held accountable by your teachers and parents the same way for your behavior and academic accomplishments. You would follow your education to college, be married (probably arranged), have kids, maybe have an easy government job, struggle to make ends meet and see your kids grow old. You wouldn't have many options regarding your work environment or accessories to facilitate your chores around the house. Your older siblings or your in laws would limit your choices and in return provide support, social, financial and etc. E...

One of basic human emotions, Anger, is a very strong one. It has been resurfacing in my moods lately more often that I like it. It is mainly anger toward my past, my ex, my choices and my current stagnant situation. Theoretically, I know what to do. However, theory is always miles away from practice. Practically, this anger is eating me, making me miserable and moody. Periodically, I go through resentment of myself, my mistakes and my actions. I obviously have not accepted myself for who I am and how I have lived my life so far. That scares me about my current choices and my future. No one can understand nor anyone can help.

I have been very restless lately. And that is when I reflect often and analyze or over analyze my life.  I attended the very last  nursing class on 12/13/12 and drove home crying. That was one day that I was looking forward to for the past 3 years, along with my husband. That day came but my husband wasn't there by my side. The divorce changed my life for ever. Yet another life changing turn of events. As a kid, I survived poverty, war, persecution, immigration and countless family down falls. Then as I was reaching my goal and dream of having a college degree, I was diagnosed with depression. Breaking my arrange engagement, suicide attempt and "falling in love" with someone each changed  my life to a certain degree and to a different direction. Then marriage and having a baby brought struggle and joy. Then in an effort to make our lives better, I went back to school (nursing) and endured the changes that came along. Failing marriage worsened my depression and undermined...

I used to be an energetic, funny, adventurous and bold person in my teen and early 20s. I hear my own stories of boldness and courage from my family and friends which I can't remember at all. It is like my mind has suppressed them so far in my memories that I can't retrieve them. They keep asking me what happened and why I changed in the opposite direction. For a long time, I didn't have an answer for them. I think I have an idea of what caused a negative change in my approach to life; that is depression and a horrible and failed marriage. When you struggle on a daily basis to stay focused and motivated to do the basic functions of life, it drains you. When you give up yourself to fit into someone else's ideal image, you depart from your values and desires. And when all your efforts fail, and you are left with a broken heart and broken goals, your soul is scarred and your hope and energy are drained. What will keep you going? I know life isn't easy, but I probably d...