From Afghanistan to America, crossroads of life

That is right. For the last couple days, I say that to myself whenever I face some difficult situation. If life isn't going well, people around me are being difficult or previous choices come back biting me in the back, I tell myself  "it is what it is". This gets me out of find-the-solution mode of thinking. It has been a bit helpful. I will try to keep the attitude and remind myself of this simple fact whenever I am handed down a difficult situation. IT IS WHAT IT IS. This way, I won't look for excuses, blames and solutions. In addition, I need to remember who I am and count my blessings. I am a well educated, tolerant, patient, empathetic, strong, and kind person. Not to forget, beautiful, sexy, stylish and responsible. I am in a good place in my life, though many small things aren't in the right place. IT IS WHAT IT IS. P.S. I love my husband, my daughter, my parents and my sibilings.

Past weekend was OK. Saturday night, we all went out for dinner, then few of us tried to "go out" for late night fun. Of course we had wrong expectations by taking two minors with us. We will try Thursday night without minors. I want to see what all the hype is about, going to night clubs, getting drunk and being careless. Sunday, we all went out shopping for my daughter's birthday party. I and Zohal worked out in the evening and I finally put my baby to sleep around 1am. That has to change!!! I caught myself thinking about him early morning. That is why I said " same times". During the last 4 years of my life, I have done this a lot. He has been on my mind day and night. That needs to stop. If I act the same way as I did for the last 4 years, that means I haven't learned a damn thing in the last years. If you don't learn anything for years, then check your pulse, you might be dead. Time for big time, real change. How can I stop being so damn emotional...

I hate it when I am absent for so long. I wanted this blog to be a weekly or biweekly entry. Oh well, moving on. August and September were so stressful and  hectic for me since I moved to IN with my family. Ahsan was left behind in MN waiting for me to land a full time job here before he come and join us. Let's hope for the best. The more time I spend around my mother, the more I see how much I am like her in how I feel about things and how I analyze and react to people and things. I love my mother, but I don't want to be exactly like her. I want to be confident, COOL, sexy, modern, undrestanding, etc. And I am none of those things all the way, all the time. I have to admit, I see why Ahsan would have complained about few flaws and shortcomings of mine. Besides, my moodiness directly affects my baby and now she is stressed, moody and easily angered. I really need to change for better, for myself, my baby and my family. Ok blog, now you are going to be my tool to stay on trac...

Went shoe shopping to Minnapolis Downtown stores. It was kind of disaster. We had kids with us so they took the fun out of shopping. On top of that, we weren't dressed up so our presence at Nieman Marcus, Saks Fifth, and even Macy's didn't get the respect that we deserved. And I didn't buy a pair of nice shoes as I planned. I couldn't find THE pair. It is ok though. I will go to Mall of America Friday night. I might find sth there. Besides, I am going to get a nice haircut today or tomorrow. I got a ton of work to do and hundreds of errands to run. But, I will do what I please. wink wink....

I started this blog to be my happy corner and it turned out to be my whining spot. I am the old fashioned diary girl with most pages of my diaries filled with regrets, frustrations and sad feelings. At the beginning of 2010, I started this blog to start logging happy thoughts, joyous feelings and positive changes of mindset and behavior. I wanted some kind of memoir to look back on and smile. So far, all my entries reflect worries and negative attitude. Let's turn things around. As Raymond said in his best man speech at his brother Robert's wedding in the sitcom EveryBody Loves Raymond, we can edit our memories to remember the good ones. That is so true. I need to focus on happy moments and positive things that I have going on in my life. This way, I might get positive energy flowing in. So from now on, I will try to edit the things that I would want to remember and keep the good ones and discard the not-so-good ones. For example, instead of remembering long boring hours at w...

I have mentioned this in my previous entry that I am in a survival mode all the time. for the last ten years or so, I have never felt safe, at home, and settled down. I went to school, got my degree, got Married, had a Baby and went from being a woman to a mother and a wife. Yet I never felt settled down in my own home, my own skin. I feel as if something is missing in my life, like I am waiting for sth big to happen and fill the hole in my life. Maybe, it is because I don't have the fire and the passion for life? I used to be such a lively girl. I would joke, play, have fun, make friends and inspire people around me. I  had so much life and energy and enthusiasm in me. I don't know how and when I lost all that. Yes I still laugh, maybe couple times a month? (in spite of constant attempts of my husband to cheer me up). Yes I have a decent life and I am working toward a much better life. But, again, passion is missing. I don't get excited by little miracles of life on a dail...

Just a little over 24 hours since I got done with my final exams but I am not as relieved as I was expecting. Setting up my apartment, completing a long trail of paperwork, and much more is on my plate making it harder and harder for me to just kick back and relax. I should learn to stay calm and relaxed on a daily basis regardless of daily tensions and worries. I don't want to yell at my baby while she makes innocent baby mistakes because I am pissed off on some other issue. I need to become a dependable and persistent parent all together. But I don't know how to achieve that. I have been in charge of my emotions and worries for a long time but recently, with everything happening with me and around me, I am losing my grip again. I feel on the edge more often. Small jokes and comments here and there irritate me and I feel insufficient many times a day. I feel like I am in some kind of race with life trying to get things done before I run out of time. It seems like I never have ...